Hide and Seek

Had a thought for a blog tonight and when I signed on I reread my "wart" posting and noticed a typo. Figured I would go in and fix it (seeing as that is an option) and TA DA I found the lost blog. Hooray. So I've decided to share it.

Yesterday I headed off to the library determined to pick up a couple of books to help support my weight loss and my search for a more meaningful life. It was the perfect library type day...overcast and raining just enough to make you scurry from house to car, from car to building, avoiding an outbreak of duelling umbrellas as you went.I hit the computer first thing as I searching specifically for a book by Teresa Tapp's that has info about exercise in 15 minutes a day. I like that concept and figure if I can spend 3 hours futzing around on the computer surely I can take 15 minutes to invest in my own well being. No books by Teresa Tapp in our library so I look up exercise and fitness to get the the Dewey numbers that will put me in the right ball park and off I go to the 613 section

I have to say in an aside here that while I love the speed and flexibility that is provided by the computer terminals I SO miss the old wooden drawers with their typed 3x5 index cards that you had to stand and leaf through. It does shine a light on my personality type since if I found a misfile I just had to fix it. I love filing....well I used to love it.

So I'm in the 613's with my head bent at the appropriate angle to read spines. My eye is caught by something with "15 minutes" on it. Turns out to the 15-Minute Pilates by Lesley Ackland. Hmm says it is "to make you longer, leaner and stronger" so it gets to start the pile. I keep looking and I see "8 Minutes Real Shapes Real Sizes". Hey, hey! even better, I can spend that extra 7 minutes working on my blog! I add Jorge Cruise to the pile and keep looking. Nothing else jumps off the shelf so I go back to the terminal and type in "working in retirement". Interesting results that have me looking in the 331 section (whatever that is). I pull a book entitled "Encore - Finding Work that Matters in the Second Half of Life". It sounds perfect so onto the pile is goes. I then hear the call of the magazines and stroll over to those funky shelves getting lured in by Money Saver, Psychology Today, Photography and House Beautiful. What can I say except I'm trying to expand my horizons. Off I happily go to check out, only to discover that three of my magazines are the NEW ones and cannot be checked out, zip, zip, zip off the pile they go. FINE! I put my books in the bag I remembered to bring and head out the the door only to set off their buzzer system. Gad, everyone looks at me as if I have a diamond necklace stashed in my pocket and one of the girls scurries over with an outstretched arm just in case I'm going to make a break for it. Oh well. They rescan the books, I go home and somehow fritter away the rest of my day trying to manipulate old photos on the computer (another blog).

Next day, again it is overcast and rainy. The only thing on my calendar is to wait for a delivery that is scheduled to arrive between 12 and 2. Sounds like a reading morning to me so I settle down with my second cup of coffee and the 8 Minutes in the Morning book (you're NOT surprised are you). He's got the usual self analysis sections, the why we overeat stuff, charts, graphs and empowerment phrases, but he has some good stuff as well. For the eating he does the divide your plate thing, 1/2 veg, 1/4 protein and 1/4 carbs....but I've been doing that for ages. The beginning exercises are very low key, and if I pick anything out of the book it will be some of the exercises he introduces later on. Apparently he has another book out but this was specifically noted as being for people who want to lose 30 pounds or more. That's me!!! I'll check out the other book another day.So I pick up the Money Saver and have a look through it....quite frankly it's all over my head so that didn't take long...well, longer than I thought because I fell asleep while reading it. I jumped awake thinking the delivery guys had come, but it was only 11.30 so I picked up the Encore book. It was actually quite depressing as it had lots of suggestions for people who had been executives, or doctors, or health care executives who all went on to be advocates for the homeless or social entrepreneurs etc. Only one guy seemed to be sort of on my level and his second career was a Walmart Greeter. Yikes....I admire people who can do that but I'd rather be clerking or cashiering. So disappointment reigns supreme. Ended up not doing any exercises today, and overate marginally at supper (probably depressed). The books are neatly stacked and waiting to go back to the library.

Oh, you think I forgot the Pilates book? Nope apparently I already have it....bought a couple of years ago and it's on the shelf in my sewing room. (insert hardy laugh here).

You Want Warts with That?

I'm a worrier by nature. My better half says I've always been a worrier. I've worried about moves, and kids and money (a lot about money), worried about my Mom, worry now about my Dad, worrying about my son coming home and if he'll be okay with going back to school, (also worrying about his emotional well being since his dog is very sick), worried about I'll wear to his wedding next year...good grief. When we were away last winter I was worrying about the house and the 'stuff' in it and if it all burned to the ground what would I be sorry to lose. Came down to the old photos that we'll never get back and my finished quilts. I vowed I would do something about the photos before we went away again and so this past week I've been working on how to burn the family photos onto CD. I have had an album put together for a few years now (interesting mess that made at the time...it just spread and spread). I managed to trap everything into one album complete with who they are, when and where the photo was taken etc. Not fancy but certainly functional (remember the runner bean). I struggled and clicked and read the help sections and finally managed to get the photos to burn in chronological order and ended up with 3 cds, one I will give my daughter for her information, one to my son for his information and the last one I will probably put in our safety deposit box (kind of a sad commentary on my 'valuables'). It was interesting to look at all those old photos, to see a youthful self and wonder where she went. To see in a matter of seconds the birth and growth of my two children, to see us with our dogs now long gone, to see the last photos of my Mother and my Father-in-law, to see how much my Dad has aged in the last couple of years. No wonder I'm struggling with these days before 60.

As for the quilts....well if I lose them I'll just have to make more...all the while worrying about the pattern to chose and the colors to put into them. Nothing like worrying into the future.

Ya Gotta Laugh

Well, I just spent 40 minutes writing a blog about some books I got out of the library. Went to preview it and there it was gone. Don't know what I hit but I can tell you I'm not rewriting it. Hah, even tho it says draft autosave at 8.41 pm, it doesn't really. Can you tell I'm new at this???

Doesn't matter, at least I'm not growling.

Ying and Yang

When I saw these growing on my trellis this morning I was struck by
how funny and yet appropriate it was. The morning glories had been
planted here for the last few years but this year I decided to put in a
clematis and a hydrangea so they would just grow and we wouldn't have
to do anything out there. Well the clematis has not responded well to
the cooler weather and although we were away for 4 weeks they didn't look at all different on our return. In desperation to have SOMETHING
growing up the trellis I planted the scarlet runner beans. Well, the clematis is buried in there somewhere but hanging in and obviously the runner beans have been having a party. The surprise is some morning glories grew up without being noticed until the other morning when a tentative bloom poked its face out through all those big green leaves. He must have liked it out there cause he told his friends and this morning it was a riot. Hence the ying and yang. My every day life is very runner bean like -- sturdy, reliable, can take the heat, a little sense of humor (shown by the flowers) and a little on the aggressive side. The morning glories show brightness, delicacy, attractiveness, are easy minglers and almost perfect art in shape and color. I long to an easy mingler, to be bright and showy but still attract people, to be able to do even one artistic thing very well indeed.

I have tried my hand at many things over the years. Did some crochet work years ago, but it kind of fell out of fashion and my brain is not geared to actually make a sweater or anything wearable. I have done a fair bit of sewing over the years, but again, any garments I made were all rather borderline and bearably wearable. I went craft crazy for a few years. Borrowed a scroll saw, took a couple of tole painting classes and immersed myself in sawdust, paints and local craft shows. I really didn't have the painting skills required to do a great job, and never seemed to be able to take the few classes offered in order to acquire those skills. My last undertaking was stained glass work. I really enjoy working at it, but again lack the level of skill I really need to make anything fantastic. I do have a project lined up...some small window panes for my daughter's front door side lights, but nothing has actually happened with it as yet. I'm kind of hoping for an idea to grow in head....something I know she would love, but also something I could actually make and have it turn out beautifully. It's coming.

Through the last 35+ years the one 'craft' that has stayed with me is quilting. But again, I'm not a great quilter...just an enthusiastic one. I would never "do" the standard patterns, because I figured anyone could do those. I wanted to make in fabric the ideas that were floating around in my head. Sometimes I hate that creative side of my brain. It gets all these grandiose ideas and even figures out the steps in order to achieve them, but when it comes to actually making the idea a reality and doing the math to figure out those obscure blocks Ms Creativity takes a holiday and leaves me madly scribbling diagrams on reams of graph paper, a calculator in one hand and a ruler clenched in my teeth. I use painter's tape to tape fabric swatches to my wall along with a LARGE PRINT cutting list that includes equal signs showing, for example, A=dark blue print so I don't dang well forget what it was I was going to do in the first place. I have made many quilts, a couple of them I have liked a lot, and still have, and some of them I wonder what I was thinking and have managed to find homes for them. I did start making the standard blocks only to learn how difficult it really is to get all those corners square and keep all the points on your stars. The ying yang of it is that for someone so detailed oriented I'm surprised that the blocks I make are not perfect (don't give me the old adage about perfection), but I always seem to be in a hurry to move onto the next project despite the fact that quilting is not a hurry-up kind of craft. And again I never seem to be in the right place at the right time for classes that have content that would really help me. That's okay though, I'm a runner bean and I will presevere and grow and create my quilt babies.

I am currently working on a cathedral window quilt for my oldest granddaughter. She's 5 now and I'm optimistic that I'll have it done in time for her wedding. I chose it since we have been travelling a lot and I can do the hand sewing in small chunks. However, all that idle brain time led me dream up a paper pieced butterfly quilt for my other granddaughter, plus I want to make a sweatshirt jacket with all these great techniques on it, and a couple of awesome bags for the kids school auction and of course I still have the corn and beans quilt that I decided would be great exericse for me to learn how to skillfully sew triangles together. My sewing room is about 8x9 holds a converted vanity table for my sewing machine & serger, an ironing board I converted to a rectangle so I can press lengths of fabric properly, a tower of plastic drawers for my bits and bobs and a Duncan Feif table that I cannot part with (it works well as a cutting table since I can flip up the wing and spread out my fabrics on my huge cutting board). In a room that size, once I start digging out the fabrics to make selections well, it doesn't take long for it spread to the upstairs hallway, and the guest room, and the dining room table... I try very hard to keep this contained within the 4 walls of the room, but. Must be the runner bean syndrome...spread out and take over.

This brings me back to ying and yang again. I'm a bit of a neat freak so how can I keep my kitchen counters cleaned off, my laundry caught up, and my bedroom dusted, only to have hobbies that are, by their very nature, extremely messy? Think I'll take some time tomorrow and talk to those morning glories.

The Beginning (wa-wa-wa)

There are 92 days until I turn 60. I am not afraid of it….it’s just a number. I do not feel the breath of death on the back of my neck since there is a lot of longevity in my family. My Mother’s mother lived to 96, my Mother lived to 85, my Father’s mother lived to 96 and my Father is now kicking the Government’s pension butt at the age of 91 ½. I know that does not provide any guarantees for me, but it does give me hope that if I take some reasonable care I too can expect long life.

While these statistics form a great base, they also bring with them two major concerns. First of all, will I have enough money to live on? I think I’d need a crystal ball to figure that one out, especially as we (like huge numbers of people) are still smarting from getting our investments spanked in the recession. (please note that while I have my knickers in a knot over this stuff, my husband seems to be able to just roll with the punches and doesn’t get upset over things he, well, cannot change). My second concern is the fact that as far as I can tell I haven’t yet grown up enough to be 60. I still feel like I’m waiting for adulthood to punch me in the stomach and I’ll wake up that morning and put on support hose, tie up oxfords and a floral housedress.

My Mother, a stay at home Mom, always seemed to be so sensible, as did my best friend’s Mother, who worked out of the home and seemed much more modern than my Mom. I don’t ever recall my Mother being goofy, and laughing till tears rolled down her face and I never saw her sit in a comfy chair and throw a leg over the arm of it. I’m sure she did what she thought was expected of her, and now that I’m into those same years I often wonder how on earth she didn’t die of boredom.

When I look at myself I see a woman, certainly, one who is struggling with her weight and who peers into the mirror and wonders where the heck all those wrinkles and grey hairs came from. I don’t feel much different inside than I did when I was in my late thirties. I also see someone who eagerly awaits the next new experience, who wants desperately to learn and do “things”, one who feels that at any moment now I WILL find that niche where I belong.

I love spending adult time with my thirty-something daughter, with whom I have a physic connection. We share a love for romantic movies (okay, any ChicFlic), Hellofagood chip dip and the now forbidden red licorice (we have both developed a reaction to the red dye). We pick the same items up when we’re shopping even tho’ we are an aisle away from each other and we have been known on more than one occasion to nearly bust a gut laughing at some ridiculous happening.

I am looking forward to getting to know my Son as the man he has become. He has been away from home for about 10 years now and has come full circle to come back home to continue his education. He has also become engaged with a wedding date of next August. I think it will be quite a year.

Having said these things I wonder if I am only now feeling the effects of the ‘empty nest syndrome’. I worked all of my adult life, leaving my kids with babysitters in the belief that all would be well and I was doing the modern right thing. The jury’s still out on that one. In ’96 the company I was working for closed their local office effectively putting me out of work and I spent ummm 3 years thinking and reflecting and taking an accounting course, only to end up applying at a fabric store to become a store clerk. I worked there for 8 years (more or less) and I loved it there, even tho’ the shifting of fabric bolts is much harder/heavier than anyone would ever suspect. My friends were there, my social circle came out of there and the ‘who am I’ came from there. But when my husband decided to retire and start travelling to wherever it’s warm in the winter, I also retired. That was in August 08 and although we have kept busy I now find myself in limboland, not really sure that warm winters are the best solution for me, and not sure if staying home with a diminished social circle would be any better.

And so it has begun. Heading for 60 and looking for answers