The Beginning (wa-wa-wa)

There are 92 days until I turn 60. I am not afraid of it….it’s just a number. I do not feel the breath of death on the back of my neck since there is a lot of longevity in my family. My Mother’s mother lived to 96, my Mother lived to 85, my Father’s mother lived to 96 and my Father is now kicking the Government’s pension butt at the age of 91 ½. I know that does not provide any guarantees for me, but it does give me hope that if I take some reasonable care I too can expect long life.

While these statistics form a great base, they also bring with them two major concerns. First of all, will I have enough money to live on? I think I’d need a crystal ball to figure that one out, especially as we (like huge numbers of people) are still smarting from getting our investments spanked in the recession. (please note that while I have my knickers in a knot over this stuff, my husband seems to be able to just roll with the punches and doesn’t get upset over things he, well, cannot change). My second concern is the fact that as far as I can tell I haven’t yet grown up enough to be 60. I still feel like I’m waiting for adulthood to punch me in the stomach and I’ll wake up that morning and put on support hose, tie up oxfords and a floral housedress.

My Mother, a stay at home Mom, always seemed to be so sensible, as did my best friend’s Mother, who worked out of the home and seemed much more modern than my Mom. I don’t ever recall my Mother being goofy, and laughing till tears rolled down her face and I never saw her sit in a comfy chair and throw a leg over the arm of it. I’m sure she did what she thought was expected of her, and now that I’m into those same years I often wonder how on earth she didn’t die of boredom.

When I look at myself I see a woman, certainly, one who is struggling with her weight and who peers into the mirror and wonders where the heck all those wrinkles and grey hairs came from. I don’t feel much different inside than I did when I was in my late thirties. I also see someone who eagerly awaits the next new experience, who wants desperately to learn and do “things”, one who feels that at any moment now I WILL find that niche where I belong.

I love spending adult time with my thirty-something daughter, with whom I have a physic connection. We share a love for romantic movies (okay, any ChicFlic), Hellofagood chip dip and the now forbidden red licorice (we have both developed a reaction to the red dye). We pick the same items up when we’re shopping even tho’ we are an aisle away from each other and we have been known on more than one occasion to nearly bust a gut laughing at some ridiculous happening.

I am looking forward to getting to know my Son as the man he has become. He has been away from home for about 10 years now and has come full circle to come back home to continue his education. He has also become engaged with a wedding date of next August. I think it will be quite a year.

Having said these things I wonder if I am only now feeling the effects of the ‘empty nest syndrome’. I worked all of my adult life, leaving my kids with babysitters in the belief that all would be well and I was doing the modern right thing. The jury’s still out on that one. In ’96 the company I was working for closed their local office effectively putting me out of work and I spent ummm 3 years thinking and reflecting and taking an accounting course, only to end up applying at a fabric store to become a store clerk. I worked there for 8 years (more or less) and I loved it there, even tho’ the shifting of fabric bolts is much harder/heavier than anyone would ever suspect. My friends were there, my social circle came out of there and the ‘who am I’ came from there. But when my husband decided to retire and start travelling to wherever it’s warm in the winter, I also retired. That was in August 08 and although we have kept busy I now find myself in limboland, not really sure that warm winters are the best solution for me, and not sure if staying home with a diminished social circle would be any better.

And so it has begun. Heading for 60 and looking for answers